Recently, as if I needed a reminder that I have a ridiculous job, my boss at Break gathered the members of our creative team together for an emergency meeting.
BOSS: Alright, listen up guys, I just had a meeting with the CEO, and he is willing to give us $5,000 to do a big stunt viral video that could get a ton of hits. What could we do?
The other guys – Sam, Justin #1, Justin #2 and Patrick, paused and exchanged glances for a moment… and then launched into action. This is what we were born for.
JUSTIN #1: We get a hot girl…. and have her knock on peoples' doors and tell them they have AIDS.
JUSTIN #2: Nah, been done.
PATRICK: We get some homeless guys to fight to the death over a chicken sandwich.
JUSTIN #2: Nah, that's been done too. I think somebody went to jail for that.
BOSS: Hi, how about something we can actually do? All of us breaking the law is not an option.
SAM: Well what if we just burned something?
BOSS: OK. Like what?
PATRICK: A car.
JUSTIN #2: A huge pile of Styrofoam.
JUSTIN #1: A library.
ME: What if we bought a foreclosed house, and burned it to the ground in front of the neighbors? That would be nice and topical.
BOSS: Might be dangerous, though. Burning things always has too many stupid legal safety issues associated with it.
JUSTIN #1: Stupid society.
BOSS: Also, I don't think we can get a foreclosed house for $5,000.
ME: Maybe in Detroit.
BOSS: I don't think even in Detroit.
JUSTIN #1: What if we didn't burn it, but just made a huge awesome sculpture of something?
SAM: Like a Styrofoam sculpture of a foreclosed house?
JUSTIN #1: Actually, there's this huge thing online right now of people making stuff out of bacon. Like bacon baskets, and bacon chairs you can actually sit on. What if we built something ridiculous out of bacon, and really put this thing to bed?
BOSS: What could we build out of bacon that would really get people's attention?
JUSTIN #1: Bacon 9-11.
PATRICK: Bacon Columbine.
ME: Bacon Holocaust.
BOSS: You're all going to hell.
JUSTIN #2: Bacon Jesus!
BOSS: (beat) OK, NOW you're going to hell.
JUSTIN #2: No, think about it! Easter's coming up. We build a 10-foot Bacon Jesus.
PATRICK: People like bacon. People like Jesus. What's not to like?
BOSS: How are we going to make a 10-foot Bacon Jesus? Some kind of mad scientist food sculptor?
CORY (on conference call): I'm on it. I found a guy who makes bacon American flags.
JUSTIN #1: That must be the most hardcore American guy ever. Better make sure he's not a raging Christian, too.
CORY: I'll check. Oops, look like he is.
PATRICK: What do we do with the Bacon Jesus after, we're done?
SAM: Burn it.
JUSTIN #1: Put him on a trailer and take him to an orphanage for all the kid to fall upon and ravage, like orphan zombies.
CORY: OK, I'm IMing with another guy. He says he's only done animals, out of Jell-O, but he thinks he could make a 3-foot bacon Jesus for a grand.
JUSTIN #2: No, it has to be ten feet. Try somebody else.
PATRICK: Wait, maybe we should consult the resident Christian before proceeding. We're all Jews and atheists.
They all turned to me.
BOSS: What do you think? Is it offensive to make a 10-foot bacon Jesus?
I thought about it. I never thought I would be the gatekeeper for the existence of a bacon Jesus. I hoped I was doing my childhood minister proud.
ME: Well, it's not really a false idol, because it's Jesus… What's the 10-foot bacon Jesus doing?
JUSTIN #2: Something awesome. Like a sweet skateboard trick.
ME: Well, as long as he's not being crucified on a 10-foot bacon cross or something…
JUSTIN #1: Nah, it could be something benign. Like he could be flexing. Or healing bacon lepers.
PATRICK: Or holding an adorable bacon baby.
SAM: Then you could finally live your dream of devouring a bacon baby.
ME: That's true. I could. Yeah, I suppose this is OK. Actually, it's probably more offensive to starving people, or to PETA.
JUSTIN #1: Fuck PETA.
COREY: OK, I think I got our guy. Do we want a 2D or a 3D Jesus?
JUSTIN #2: 3D, obviously.
BOSS: Can he do it for $5,000?
CORY: Lemme see… yeah, as long as he gets bulk, discount bacon.
CORY: And he says as long as we don't make him eat the Jesus. He's a vegetarian.
JUSTIN #1: Of course not. That's what the homeless people we'll invite are for.
ME: Really? Dude, there's a recession on.
JUSTIN #1: What? The meek and the needy? Eating the body of Christ? That shit's symbolic.
Sadly, we never got a chance to make our 10-foot bacon Jesus. The CEO changed his mind the next day, and actually, it was probably for the best – being the one to give a bunch of LA comedy types the go-ahead to make a giant Jesus out of dead swine and then feed it to orphans is the type of thing that could get me excommunicated.
Besides, the next day I went online, typed in "shit made out of bacon" and found this.
The rifle may have already killed it. The "making stuff out of bacon" trend, I mean… not the bacon rifle killing bacon Jesus. Though that would be awesome.